Long rows of freezers with a butchers block at the back. Next to the cash machine is the slicer. Upon which the salami is sliced down to micron measurable thickness. Great risk to limb, the slicers i.e. not the piggy who has already given up his life to be born again [not in the Emmanuel prayer group] but as salami and bacon and ham and pork chops and beef . So that both the minority and the majority communities are equally offended and can’t claim discrimination. Beef mince, beef steaks, diced beef. You have to know when the beef comes in. Because then you can get it fresh. With a choice of cut…
‘Make sure you tell him to give you ‘Under cut’. And trim the fat off. So you carry your instructions faithfully to Marks, or Serpis or Judes or Joesphs. Where the size of the knife and the flair of the apron clad cutter makes you consider butchery as a career option. It’s more an axe than a knife. Which can crunch down and cut through bone. Which after its shift is over is embedded into the block with a thunk and all the satisfaction of a days work well done.  

It’s a minefield with the equipment. The slicer. The knives. The mincer. The mincer which has chunks of meat going in at one end and spaghetti like mince spouting out of the other. With buttered efficiency. Which is also available at the cold storage. Butter and margarine for when the bonus is delayed, Kraft salad dressing when Tiffany, the owner’s neighbour, who flies for Air India had just returned from a flight. The supply varies between Toblerones, Kraft and Laughing Cow cheese depending on which part of the world Tiffany’s schedule had taken her. There’s Don’s Dried Bombay Ducks the brackets specify bombils. Is the Don the Don of all bombil suppliers or is it just short for Donny? And sidings. The left over bits that remain after the fully sliced salami and ham bits are sold. All bundled together and sold for half the cost. Run it in the mixie and throw some butter in and you have a sandwich spread to compete with the best.  

Come Christmas and local entrepreneurship surfaces. Marzipan and milk cream makers display their products for off the shelf buyers. New residents, these. Stray posters surface. Adorable Pomeranian pups. To be given away free. To a good home. And six months later. Fluffy missing. Adorable white pomerainian. Rs. 5000 reward offered. Contact 2640 XXXX.  

While in Edinburgh the distillery that has the best single malt is debated, and at the Grand Prix whether Ferrari or Mclaren is the better team, the passion of the debate pales before the question of whether Mark’s broilers are fresher than Judes. 

Clement De Sylva

Clement is the baap of all Bandra buggers. Bugger? Not as in the Oxford defined meaning of the word but... Forget it. If you have to ask, you'll never know. Clement’s blog is www.bandrabuggers.blogspot.com